Guilt

I do not want to write this blog post, but I want to remember where I am right now.  Sometimes time lessens the memories of tough situations... but I want to remember these tough feelings in the future.  I dream of a day, down the road, when I can relate to a younger woman feeling the same way, and this post will help me remember.

I hear a lot about "Mommy Guilt" but I, fortunately, have not really struggled with it while I'm at work.  Maybe its because Tracey Ann hasn't (yet) displayed separation anxiety while I'm gone.  I try to focus on work when I'm at work, and focus on Tracey Ann when I'm home.  I'm doing what I have to do for our family and we are blessed to have a loving, Christian nanny staying with her during the day.  I haven't suffered "Mommy Guilt".

That being said, I am drowning in "Wife Guilt".

On the days when I work (outside of the home), I am a horrible wife.  I only do what absolutely HAS to get done and nothing more.  Many days, I don't even get done what has to.  Dog gets fed, but not walked.  Clothes get worn, but not put away.  Baby gets fed, but adults don't.

I have seen blogs and articles about the mom who "stopped trying to do it all."  Really?  Well, what, may I ask, did you stop doing?  Maybe I can follow your advice.

Let's see...

Did you stop exercising?
Did you stop cooking?
Did you stop showering?
Did you stop doing laundry?
Did you stop feeding the animals?
Did you stop grocery shopping?
Did you stop doing the dishes?
Did you stop talking to your friends?
Did you stop having pillow talk with your husband?
Did you stop sleeping?
Did you stop blogging -- clearly not because I'm reading this on your blog?
Did you stop vacuuming -- just pretend the dog hair piling up is expensive carpet?
Did you stop eating?
...
Oh, maybe at work...
Did you stop going to important meetings?
Did you stop meeting deadlines?

... what exactly did you stop doing when you say you stopped trying to do it "all"?

I am full of anger because I am not the wife and homemaker I want to be.
I am angry because I, in dramatic and emotional moments, see the downfall of the American family, in my own home, because I cannot give my family my full and undivided attention.
I am angry that formula and breast pumps exist because it gives me the option to work away from my baby -- this wasn't an option 150 years ago.

I am ashamed of the piles and piles of clean laundry that doesn't get put away.
I lay awake telling myself it is important that I sleep because I have to work the next day, but I am so disgusted at the fact I walk past empty boxes every day and can't manage to break them down and put them in the recycling pile.
I tell myself how important it is that I spend time with my husband, like on a date (and at-home date, but still), focusing on each other and I never sit still long enough for us to have a conversation, let alone reconnect or have a date.

I feel like I am being pulled in 90 different directions and I am failing at everything -- except work.

My family, which I say is my top priority, gets the last bit of energy I have each day, while my colleagues get the nice me.

Someday, I hope to sit down with a young mother and share with her my wisdom.  I hope to have a great testimony of God's faithfulness -- how He taught me joy amidst a difficult season; how I learned to seek Him for my priorities, and work as though working for Christ...

But today, I am drowning in wife guilt.