Friday, September 19, 2014

Pure Girl

Our little Punkin is pure girl...

complete with already trying to play with Mama's chapstick...

and loving her fancy shoes

Thank Heaven, for Little Girls!

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Thursday, September 18, 2014


I do not want to write this blog post, but I want to remember where I am right now.  Sometimes time lessens the memories of tough situations... but I want to remember these tough feelings in the future.  I dream of a day, down the road, when I can relate to a younger woman feeling the same way, and this post will help me remember.

I hear a lot about "Mommy Guilt" but I, fortunately, have not really struggled with it while I'm at work.  Maybe its because Tracey Ann hasn't (yet) displayed separation anxiety while I'm gone.  I try to focus on work when I'm at work, and focus on Tracey Ann when I'm home.  I'm doing what I have to do for our family and we are blessed to have a loving, Christian nanny staying with her during the day.  I haven't suffered "Mommy Guilt".

That being said, I am drowning in "Wife Guilt".

On the days when I work (outside of the home), I am a horrible wife.  I only do what absolutely HAS to get done and nothing more.  Many days, I don't even get done what has to.  Dog gets fed, but not walked.  Clothes get worn, but not put away.  Baby gets fed, but adults don't.

I have seen blogs and articles about the mom who "stopped trying to do it all."  Really?  Well, what, may I ask, did you stop doing?  Maybe I can follow your advice.

Let's see...

Did you stop exercising?
Did you stop cooking?
Did you stop showering?
Did you stop doing laundry?
Did you stop feeding the animals?
Did you stop grocery shopping?
Did you stop doing the dishes?
Did you stop talking to your friends?
Did you stop having pillow talk with your husband?
Did you stop sleeping?
Did you stop blogging -- clearly not because I'm reading this on your blog?
Did you stop vacuuming -- just pretend the dog hair piling up is expensive carpet?
Did you stop eating?
Oh, maybe at work...
Did you stop going to important meetings?
Did you stop meeting deadlines?

... what exactly did you stop doing when you say you stopped trying to do it "all"?

I am full of anger because I am not the wife and homemaker I want to be.
I am angry because I, in dramatic and emotional moments, see the downfall of the American family, in my own home, because I cannot give my family my full and undivided attention.
I am angry that formula and breast pumps exist because it gives me the option to work away from my baby -- this wasn't an option 150 years ago.

I am ashamed of the piles and piles of clean laundry that doesn't get put away.
I lay awake telling myself it is important that I sleep because I have to work the next day, but I am so disgusted at the fact I walk past empty boxes every day and can't manage to break them down and put them in the recycling pile.
I tell myself how important it is that I spend time with my husband, like on a date (and at-home date, but still), focusing on each other and I never sit still long enough for us to have a conversation, let alone reconnect or have a date.

I feel like I am being pulled in 90 different directions and I am failing at everything -- except work.

My family, which I say is my top priority, gets the last bit of energy I have each day, while my colleagues get the nice me.

Someday, I hope to sit down with a young mother and share with her my wisdom.  I hope to have a great testimony of God's faithfulness -- how He taught me joy amidst a difficult season; how I learned to seek Him for my priorities, and work as though working for Christ...

But today, I am drowning in wife guilt.

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Wednesday, September 17, 2014


Before Tracey Ann was born there were a lot of unknowns...

One of them was the fact that I THOUGHT I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom... but I never had been before.  What if I didn't like it.  What if I felt isolated and unfulfilled?  What if I was lonely or needing adult interaction?

My mom even had a dream when I was pregnant that, after the baby was born, I was staying home and I was miserable.  It was very scary when she told me... I always knew I wanted to stay home with my babies... but I had never done it, so what if I was wrong.

Since Tracey Ann was born, I have repeatedly continued to have the desire to stay home with her.  Maternity leave was the most wonderful thing -- not because I wasn't working... because I WAS working -- AT HOME!  My 24-7 job was to care for Hubby and Tracey Ann.  I loved it.

Since returning to work, I still live for the days when I am home with our baby girl.

All of these things imply that I am meant to be a stay-at-home mom... but this week, I really just had further confirmation of this.

After baby girl and I flew to Michigan together, drove to Ohio, visited with many family and friends, and were together nearly 24-7 for the past five days... it was INCREDIBLY hard to go back to work yesterday morning.  After five days as a single mama where all responsibility for our princess was on my shoulders, all I wanted was to continue being with Tracey Ann 24-7.

I am very fortunate to have a job where I work with great kiddos, and I am determined to enjoy that blessing for as long as it is the case... but I am also living for the time when I can stay home full-time with our baby as a homemaker.

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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Across the Miles...

Across the miles... Tracey Ann is still the cutest baby we've every seen...

Colorado, Michigan, Ohio...

Hands down, her cuteness travels and translates.

Welcome to the chilly midwest...

Pajama party, Guys!

What's the plan now?

Time with Grammy and Papa

So much fun

All this travel is exhausting...

Home sweet home, trying to cuddle with Lloyd

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Saturday, September 13, 2014

My Hubby is The Best!!!

My Hubby has a birthday today, and I am the bad wife who is 800 miles away.


You are:
The best daddy to our baby girl
The most amazing hubby in the world
The one who can always make me laugh
The one who cooks the best food
The hardest worker
The best at serving your students
The best at loving your school
The best at forgiving
The best at being goofy with our daughter
The best at rough-housing with our pets
The best at being easy-going
The best hunter
The best at romance
The best at providing for us
The best at dreaming
The best at seeing the bright side of life
The best at encouraging me
The best handy-man
... simply put...
I am SO thankful that God put you on this earth and chose me to be your wife.

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