Lately...

I haven't really had much to say on this blog recently because, to be honest, there is SO much on my mind.  And, its not like my life has been in the past where "so much on my mind" means company coming, or work reports due, or a national certification exam on the horizon... that is a kind of stress I am used to.  I have had nearly 25 years of practice with that kind of stress.

On my mind these days is the magnitude of what's about to happen in our lives.
And the fact that I don't know when its going to happen.
And the fact that some days I am ready for it, and some days I am terrified.

Chris and I are about to be PARENTS.

Just the birth alone is full of decisions...

• natural birth or medication
• home birth or hospital birth
• obstetrician or midwife
• pediatrician or family practitioner
• spontaneous delivery or scheduled inducing
• vaginal birth or cesarean

 

... Then, the decisions are only just beginning...

• breast-feeding or bottle feeding
• breast milk or formula
•  bassinet or co-bedding
• cloth diapers or disposable diapers
• circumcision or not
• vaccinations or not
• swaddling or ... is there an alternative to swaddling?
• baby carrier or baby wearing

... and that is the smallest, simplest drop in the bucket or our decisions ahead...

Then, to add a huge dose of seriousness to this tremendous life event, childbirth is a dangerous business.  Women give birth to healthy babies every day... and I am thinking positively about how our birth and delivery will go... but tragedies happen during labor and delivery as well.  Giving birth is serious business, and is not without serious risks to both mother and baby.

Lately, I've had a lot on my mind that I'm lifting up in prayer.

If you think of me in the coming days and weeks, please pray for all the decisions ahead, all the things on my mind, the labor and delivery ahead, and the safety of our baby and me through it all.

Reflections on Christmas Eve

Hubby and me (and Lloyd) Christmas Eve, Michigan 2013 with Grammy and Papa Sanden

On Christmas Eve, my parents, Hubby and I attended the eleven o'clock church service at my childhood church, which is also the church where Hubby and I were married.  I love Christmas Eve services, but I have come to especially love a late night Christmas Eve service that ends after midnight, on Christmas morning.

My mom has told me for years how special it is to be pregnant at Christmas time, and this year, I got to experience this privilege for myself.

I already had a new appreciation for Mary, mother of Jesus, when we traveled 1200 miles in a minivan across America.  I the more and more uncomfortable I became, and the more and more my ankles swelled, I just kept saying to myself, "At least I'm not on a donkey.  At least I'm not on a donkey."

Momma (Grammy) and Daddy (Papa)

But as I sat in church on Christmas Eve, and listened to familiar lessons and carols, I was filled with a new appreciation for all that was said of this child before He was born.  Of the child growing in my womb, I am filled with wonder -- will it be a son or a daughter? What will he look like?  What will he be like?  What will he be passionate about?  What sort of work will he be called to do?  Whom will he marry?  Where will he go to school?... and many more questions.

As an expectant mother, I am filled with questions about my unborn child... but Mary, on the night her child was born, was greeted by strangers telling her of how angels announced her son's birth to them, and calling him a Savior.  This tiny baby, whose entire life lay before him was already called the Savior.

Kings from the East traveled hundreds of miles to bow down and worship Him -- Kings were worshiping her baby.  Again, this baby, whom she has housed and grown for 9 months, whose entire life was ahead of him had current Kings bowing before Him and bringing expensive gifts to his make-shift cradle.

Suddenly, as I listened to the Christmas story with new ears, the miracle of Jesus' birth wasn't just that a virgin conceived and brought forth a son... it was that the Lord shared Jesus' purpose with His children from the moment of His birth.  It was the realization that Jesus was born for the purpose of saving God's children -- which I knew -- but to know that this innocent baby's life was predestined before He ever breathed a single breath.

Its hard for me to explain, but it really was such a cool experience to listen to the Christmas story, with my own little baby kicking and squirming inside.

I truly believe that all of God's creatures have a spirit uniquely created and knit together at conception.  I have a friend who always takes her infant children with her to Bible studies, because she believes that their spirits can receive Truth and the Word, even though they are infants.  That being said, I believe that our little one already has a spirit that is striving to know and worship his creator.

That is why, I believe, our little one was kicking and squirming throughout our Christmas Eve service.  Our little one knew that we were listening to the story of our Savior, and, just like the rocks would cry out in worship, our baby couldn't help but kick and squirm in worship and praise of our Savior's birth.

Honestly...

Hubby and I are SO happy right now.  We feel like the most blessed, lucky, fortunate, most-loved of God's children on the face of the earth.  I don't want there to be any doubt in anyone's mind about how incredibly happy we are -- both as a couple in our marriage, and about our little baby.

That being said, I don't want to go through this entire pregnancy without documenting the incredible fear, uncertainty, and feelings of being overwhelmed I am struggling with and praying about throughout these nine months.

• Chris and I are going to be responsible for a human life -- a brand new, helpless, growing, baby-becoming-an-adult person, human life.  THAT IS HUGE!
• We have no idea how we're going to afford a baby
• Sometimes I catch myself having the same thoughts I have had for years... "Someday, when we have a baby ... (insert whatever the situation)"  Then, I realize that ready or not, that someday of our having a baby is now!  We already have a baby... and we will be meeting that baby in a matter of months.
• I absolutely love being married to Chris -- it took me 26 years to find him, and we've only had some 28 months of marriage just the two of us -- now we're suddenly not just husband and wife, we are mother and father.  What is that going to do to this amazing relationship I have come to love and feel so comfortable in?  We will never be just the two of us again.  I am struggling to be okay with the idea that our perfect little two-person family is ending.
• Our days of being selfish are over.  They have to be.  We love to travel, and play, and relax, and enjoy our hobbies, and try new things, and live in the mountains... and the list goes on and on.  Suddenly, we are responsible for the life of our child.  All of our decisions -- large and small -- have to revolve around the best interest of this baby.
• Childbirth is scary.  We are in classes to prepare for natural childbirth (The Bradley Method), and I am now doing exercises to prepare, and I know when the time comes, I will be relatively ready for it -- but childbirth is a scary idea.  Not only is the process something I have never done before -- but when it's over, it's just the BEGINNING of something else I've never done before -- I become the mother of a baby!!!
• I like to sleep and my husband LOVES to sleep.  I hear that babies don't really let you do that very often.

I can't emphasize this enough -- life as Hubby and I know it is about to be over -- and the unknowns ahead are endless.  We are so blessed to be expecting this baby... and I want to focus on the blessing and the excitement on this blog... but the truth is, more often than not, I am very scared of this change.  I feel unprepared for this life change.  I feel inadequate for the task ahead.  I feel overwhelmed at the responsibility ahead and the changes that will need to occur.

Most days, I really love being pregnant -- but that doesn't mean I feel excited, or even ready, for motherhood.

Chris and I have complete faith that his baby is a gift from the Lord, and he/she has been perfectly knit together in my womb.  We absolutely believe that God's timing is perfect, and that we can do all things through Him who strengthens us.  We believe we are called to be parents, and apparently, we are called to be parents right now.  We have faith that the Lord will guide us through every decision and change ahead of us, and He will provide for all of our needs.

All of that being said... I try to focus on the excitement and blessing of this pregnancy, because daily I am praying about my fear and uncertainty.

Siblings

I always wanted a brother or a sister.  I think, at one point in my childhood, I asked my mom for one, and she informed me I already had a brother and a sister.  After that, I realized I needed to be more specific -- I started asking for a BABY brother or sister.

You see, my "brother and sister," while they are biologically related to me, they are not my siblings.  We did not grow up in the same house.  We did not grow up with the same parents.  We did not play together, fight together, collaborate together, or blackmail each other.  We did not share childhood memories -- good or bad.  We did not watch each other endure the bad haircuts, crushes, sleepover schemes, or cooking mishaps that siblings share.  Simply put, we were not -- we are not -- siblings.

I knew I was missing something throughout elementary, middle, and high school.  Other students would ride home with a sibling at the end of the day -- even if they seemed to have not even looked at the sibling the entire day -- they rode home together.  Other students had teachers ask them at the beginning of the year, "You're Jane Doe?  Are you John's sister?"  Other students were acquainted with students in other grades -- they knew people who were friends of their brother or sister.  Other students attended different concerts, sporting events, clubs, and sales -- they had siblings who were participating.  I knew I was missing something that nearly everyone else experienced.

While I knew I was missing something, I figured that in adulthood, everyone is an adult.  The label of being an "only child" was prominent in grades k-12 because there simply were no other Sanden red-heads around.  But I knew, once I was in college, or working, or married, and beyond, siblings wouldn't matter anymore.  Sort of like honors from high school -- they are a big deal at the time, but then you kind of forget about them in the 80 years following.  I was mistaken.

Even in adulthood, I am sorely missing something.

Even when interests, jobs, life paths, hobbies, and locations may be total opposites, adult siblings have the same parents, grandparents, cousins, high school, and home town.  Despite the dozens of close friends a person might make in college and beyond, a sibling is someone you keep in touch with -- even if merely out of obligation, or by accident -- and that sibling will always be in your life.

Friends are people you choose.  Siblings are people you have.

Siblings are people that you know so well that you understand their humor, you understand where they come from, you might have an idea as to why they do the things they do, you know how they were raised, and you know if and when they rebelled from those teachings.

Siblings are people you watched dream as children, struggle as adolescents, push boundaries in high school, meander in college, explore the dating world, maneuver the work world, and tackle the romantic world.

One of my favorite songs/speeches says, "Siblings are your best link to your past and the ones most likely to stick with you in the future."

I have a close view of several people's relationships with their siblings.  Most notably, I see my dad with his, my mom with hers, my husband with his, and my mother-in-law with hers... and I have to say, I don't understand it.  But I also must say, I completely envy it.

My mom and her siblings have chosen completely different paths in life -- and they go through the ebb and flow of being close, and more distant... of talking every day, and talking only a few times a year.  But the fact remains, through it all, they are still her big brother and little sisters, and they have a bond that I do not understand.

When I was a child, and I asked my parents for a baby brother or sister, I'm pretty sure I was more excited about the BABY part of my request.  I wanted a live baby doll at the house -- a baby sibling seemed like the best way to accomplish that.

Now, several decades later, as I am actually expecting my first baby, I must confess that as excited as I am for this child, as much as I will fiercely love, and care for him or her for the rest of my life... my real accomplishment as his/her mother will be when I give him/her a sibling.

This pregnancy is such a blessing.
My second (and third, and fourth, and more) pregnancy will be my dream-come-true.

Reflections on Les Miserables

Yesterday Hubby and I saw a movie... in a move theater.
That RARELY happens.

I admit, I am the reason we rarely see movies in the theater... it is just so expensive, and there are SO FEW movies that I JUST HAVE to see while they're in the the theater.  Pretty much any and every movie that I'd like to see, I'm perfectly happy to wait a few months and rent it for $1.15 from redbox.

My hubby has a harder time waiting for the movies on dvd, but he is such a sport and our compromise is that he goes to several movies with his family when we visit St. Louis.  So he'll see 3 movies in the theater in 2 weeks... and then no movies in the theater for the next 6-11 months.  :-D

Well, yesterday we went to see Les Miserables in the theater because I wanted to see the movie on the big screen, to experience the music on the big screen and with theater surround sound.

I LOVE musicals and I grew up seeing, singing, learning and re-watching many many musicals.  That being said, I had never seen the production or the movie of Les Miserables.  I knew much of the music and I knew the tale was about the French Revolution, but I had never learned the whole story... Now I know why.

via

Here are my reflections on Les Miserables:

Les Miserables is not a happy story.

That being said, Les Miserables is a story of redemption, and Godly redemption.  I had no idea I was going to see the beautiful story of God's love and redemptive nature in so many characters throughout the movie.

That being said, Les Miserables is not a family story.  So many of the musicals I've seen, and especially those I grew up with, are very appropriate for families -- Showboat, Phantom of the Opera, The Sound of Music, Annie, Oliver Twist, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Cats... and many, many more.  Les Miserables is not appropriate for families.

The music of Les Miserables is beautiful and breathtaking... but as for needing to see a 

musical with "theater surround sound"... I can pass next time.  For as LOUD as the theaters play action movies, Les Miserables, the musical could and should have been played MUCH LOUDER.  A musical is meant to be felt as much as it is seen and heard.  The music, the orchestral score is meant to penetrate your bones... but that doesn't happen in the theater.

Despite being a modern reproduction of this legendary musical, Les Miserables is a very traditional musical.  This is my music major nature coming up, so just bear with me for a minute... traditionally the female leads, the protagonists, the female love interests of a musical/opera/anything sings soprano while secondary females, the antagonists sing alto.  This was the case in Les Miserables.  Traditionally, the male leads, the protagonists, the male love interests sings tenor while the secondary males, the antagonists sing baritone or bass.  This also was the case in Les Miserables.  For some reason, it surprised me to see this very traditional musical standard followed in such a modern reproduction.

To be honest, there were parts of Les Miserables that were hard to watch, and I don't think I'll be watching it again any time soon; however, I am glad I saw it.  I am also glad I didn't bring one of my (nonexistent) children to see it.  I think eventually I would like to see the Broadway production of Les Miserables... once... eventually... when we get a really good deal on tickets... and we will not bring our children.

What did you think of Les Miserables?