A Part of the Club

Whether I like it or not, I am now a part of a club.  I was inducted without even realizing it.

I knew the club existed because I had heard of stories of the unselfish acts of its members over time... but I didn't understand it until I was a part of it.

I am a mother.

I knew that person after person has said that being a mother changes you, and it is a love like you have never felt -- but I did not understand until I felt it for myself.  In some ways, the love I feel for Tracey Ann did not surprise me -- I knew that, as a mother, I would love my baby in a different way than anyone else in the world... but the protection I feel for her did surprise me.

She was about three weeks old when I told Chris that I finally understood all those stories I have heard all my life.  The heartbreaking stories of parents doing ANYTHING for their children. 

These stories are as old as time --
- Jews trying to hide their children from the Nazis, sending them to hide in the sewer system to avoid the concentration camps
- Vietnamese trying to give their babies to American soldiers during the fall of Saigon
- Moses' mother sending him down the Nile river in a basket in an effort to save his life from the Egyptian soldiers murdering baby boys

I am sure there are more... these are the ones that immediately came to mind.

When Tracey Ann was three weeks old, I watched a tv show that had a plot about a mother breaking protocol of her job to protect her child... and, for the first time, I understood the plot line in an entirely new way.  When Hubby arrived home I told him that I realized, there was now someone on earth for whom I would sacrifice my life in a heartbeat.

Yes, I love my husband, and, in the situation, I might sacrifice my life for his... but I married a big, strong, protective husband -- I don't expect to have to die protecting him.  But my baby girl -- there is no contest there -- I will do anything to keep her safe.  I will do anything to protect her.

This love is so fierce, it almost frightens me.

At the same time, experiencing this love makes me in awe of Jesus' sacrifice all the more.  It was God's Will for His Son to pay the price so that ALL could be redeemed and enter the kingdom of God through the blood of Jesus.  Not only did Jesus have to bear the cross, but God had to let Him fulfill His purpose to save mankind.

When Tracey Ann cries (and yes, we have occasionally let her cry, in moderation, in order for her to fall asleep) it BREAKS my heart.  I sit in another room wringing my hands staring at her monitor and the clock until I can go back in and rub her back and reassure her that I'm here.

God had to watch as His Son -- His ONLY Son endured the agony and mockery of a trial, physical torture, brutal beatings, and finally a long and painful death on a cross.  No wonder the Earth turned black for three hours and an earthquake shook the land -- God had just watched his Son be tortured and killed voluntarily.

I can't write any more about this topic, because I cannot let myself even remotely consider that something unpleasant could happen to Tracey Ann and how I would respond as her mother.

Sufficed to say, I am a part of the club, now.  I am a full-blown Mama Grizzly and I will protect my cub fiercely, ferociously, and for all time.