Sunday, March 8, 2015

Balancing The Guilt

 I am finding that, as a mother, I do a lot of balancing my guilt.  Each day, its not really an aspect of if I feel guilty about something... it's about for what I will, inevitably, feel guilt.  The good news is, the guilt is a balancing act -- I usually feel good about another decision that led to feeling guilty about something else.

Some examples, off the top of my (I assure you, there are more) include:
  • I feel good that I did my job well at work
  • I feel guilty that I wasn't home during that time with my baby girl
  • I feel good that I took a 3-mile walk with Lloyd and Tracey Ann
  • I feel guilty that I didn't spend that time tidying up our house getting it ready for another week
  • I feel good that I did 30-minute at-home work-out 4 days, thus far this week (I skied and walked the other days)
  • I feel guilty that Tracey Ann watched 30-minutes of the Baby Channel 4 days, thus far this week while I did said work-outs
  • I feel good that I was up and down and up and down with Tracey Ann all of Friday night and loved her through her really rough night, and didn't awaken Hubby because he had to be up extremely early on Saturday to run a Sports Tournament that his school was hosting (he's the Athletic Director)
  • I feel guilty that when our neighbor knocked on our door at 2:30pm, I was in pajama pants because I sneaked an afternoon nap while Tracey Ann was napping 
  • I feel good that Hubby and are are planning a few big date nights -- overnight date nights and we are prioritizing spending time together and looking forward to reconnecting with our marriage (and getting a little more sleep)
  • I feel guilty that we are making arrangements to leave Tracey Ann with people other than family during those nights -- it just feels like, if I'm leaving her with anyone, it should be someone with whom she is building a relationship, and the over-night is as beneficial to her as it is for us
  • I feel good that I am still breastfeeding
  • I feel guilty that I am not able to diet and exercise to the extent I would if I were not still maintaining my milk supply
  • I feel good that I made Tracey Ann a healthy breakfast, lunch, and dinner
  • I feel guilty that Hubby had to fend for himself
  • I feel good that Tracey Ann is copying everything we do and really trying to mimic more and more signs
  • I feel guilty that she now thinks that the sign for "no" is patting her hand -- because when she's in the high chair, about to drop food on the floor, I pat her hand and tell her "no" -- and she mimics it
I think I realized that motherhood would including a lot of juggling... but I didn't count on the balancing act.  Everyday, some level of guilt is in balance.

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