She Never Got To

A few days ago... yesterday as I'm writing this, two days ago as you're reading this marked 14 years since my sister Tracey died and I barely had time to think about it.

I did think about it.  I mentioned it to my husband.  I put a simple post on facebook.  I exchanged text messages with a few of her friends.  I spoke to my parents... but I really barely had time to think about it.

What I did think was that since we were in Vail, it would have been great to hike up to her charm, where her ashes were scattered -- but it would take 6-12 hours, so that wasn't going to happen this year.  I eventually resigned that a simple toast to Tracey and a moment to think about my extraordinary sister would suffice for this year.

It was 10pm before I had a minute to pick up a drink and raise a glass to my sister and that bothered me.  All I wanted to do was toast my sister and it took until 10pm for me to have a moment to do that.

But the next day, as I took a few more minutes to think I remembered that this is just my season of life.  I am needed many and most minutes of the day.  My sister never had a child or children.  She never got to spend her day juggling her offspring wishing she had a moment to have a toast.

I spent my day up to my ears in children and I have to remember that she never got to do that.  I'm not sure she really wanted a day full of babies... but in her later years she did come to want a child of her own and that's something that never happened for her.

In thinking about this, for me its not sad, it simply is.

I spent Tracey's Day juggling my children and I need to remember that she never got to.  Nothing is promised to anyone... certainly not the future and while Americans often begrudge the process of growing old, it is a privileged denied to many.

I spent my day going on with my life because I have the privilege of still walking the earth, the privilege of being a mother, the privilege of caring for my children, and the privilege of doing some things my sister never got to do.