Cool To Realize and Remember

I follow a group on facebook called Twiniversity for parents of twins and multiples.  Sometimes they have funny posts or useful articles or just statements that make me realize that I am not alone on this crazy journey.

Yesterday, they posted the below picture and it was such a blessing to me to remember.

My body will never be the same after having carried and birthed our twins.  I would not trade that experience or them for anything... but I don't always see the changes in my body with the joyful memories I could.  This post helped change my perspective yesterday.

Awkward Maternity Stages

For twenty-nine years of my life I dreamed of someday being pregnant and having a baby.  Okay, maybe not for those first few years, ages one, two, and three... but certainly for twenty-five years of my life.

Not only did I imagine how amazing it would feel to feel a tiny baby wiggling inside my belly, but I pictured how incredibly cute and beautiful I would look in maternity clothes with a progressively growing baby bump.  I was going to be an absolutely adorable pregnant mother-to-be... followed very quickly thereafter as being the thinnest mom anyone had ever seen.  "You just had a baby?!?!" other mothers would say to me in disbelief.  "You look amazing."

Yes, I had it all perfectly planned -- and I would have an adorable maternity wardrobe.

But when I imagined my future maternity wardrobe, I had no idea there are many awkward maternity stages when I would look anything but adorable...

 

With Tracey Ann, I didn't really not really look pregnant until I was six or so months along... but I did look as though my clothes just didn't fit well for the entire second trimester.  Since it was my first, it took time for my belly to pop out... but for months before then, I definitely was growing, but I certainly didn't look adorably pregnant, the way I anticipated.  My regular clothes did not fit, and maternity clothes did not fit the way they were supposed to -- with a cute baby bump.  It was an awkward maternity stage.

 

Then, once Tracey was born, not only did not I immediately shrink back to my pre-pregnancy size, but I suddenly had to dress for nursing.  Here I had just purchased a new wardrobe consisting of maternity clothes, and now I have to buy more clothes to fit me post-pregnancy AND allow for easy nursing.  Now, I did not buy "nursing apperal" that they sell with straps and clips built in for nursing... but I learned very quickly that my pre-pregnancy tops did not fit and were not very conducive to nursing needs.  It was another awkward post-maternity stage.

 

I nursed Tracey until I was pregnant again -- so I never really got back to wearing pre-pregnancy tops because the nursing needs were never finished.

 

Then, with the second pregnancy, I already had a maternity wardrobe, right?  Well, supposedly -- except, the second pregnancy was with TWINS!  So, while my belly didn't pop until around six months with Tracey... my belly practically popped at two months with our twins.  All of a sudden, I needed some summer maternity clothes because I needed clothes that allowed for a growing belly immediately.  Yet another awkward maternity stage.

 

That is, until I outgrew the maternity clothes.  With twins, by about seven months most of my maternity clothes did not fit, and I certainly did not want to buy even larger maternity clothes to accommodate my last few months of twin pregnancy, when, chances are, I will never need clothes that big again.  This was the most awkward maternity stage yet hoping that now one would notice my bare mid-drift.

 

Then, after having twins, I just get to fall back into those nursing clothes I wore with Tracey Ann.  Well, one certainly would think so, but no...

 

Following my pregnancy with twins, my stomach is not recovering the same way from this second pregnancy as it did from my first.  I recently learned that my abdominal muscles actually split during the course of the twin pregnancy leaving me with an abdomen that looks about five months pregnant... So, I'm getting even more use out of those maternity clothes, but maternity clothes don't always mean they're easy in which to nurse... because most women who are pregnant and wearing maternity clothes are not nursing.  I think this is the most awkward maternity stage yet...

Oh, how little I knew all those years ago when I imagined myself looking so adorable during and after pregnancy.

Postpartum Surveys

In the past two months, between my hospital discharge, my twins' first doctor's appointments, my six-week doctor's appointment, and my twin's two-month doctor's appointments, I have filled out a lot of postpartum surveys.

I do not mean IN ANY way to make light of serious postpartum emotional health issues... but I will admit, I find humor in these surveys.

A few of the questions that I find particularly funny are:

1. I have been anxious or worried for no good reason.
   1.  No, not at all
   2.  Hardly ever
   3.  Yes, sometimes
   4.  Yes, very often
      
   Okay... I just had twins AND I have a daughter under two years of age... I have been anxious and worried for some VERY GOOD REASONS!
2. I have felt scared or panicky for no very good reason.
   1.  No, not at all
   2.  No, not much
   3.  Yes, sometimes
   4.  Yes, quite a lot
     
   Once again... I just had twins and I have a daughter who's a toddler... and my husband just went back to work and my parents are leaving soon... I have felt scared or panicky for many VERY GOOD REASONS!
3. Things have been getting on top of me.
   1.  No, I have been coping as well as ever
   2.  No, most of the time I have coped quite well
   3.  Yes, sometimes I haven't been coping as well
   4.  Yes, most of the time I haven't been able to cope
   Things, yes, have been getting on top of me... and I don't think I will cope "as well as ever" ever again for the rest of my life.  Let's at least give me reasonable questions please.
    
4. I have been so unhappy that I have had difficulty sleeping.
   1.  No, not at all
   2.  Not very often
   3.  Yes, sometimes
   4.  Yes, most of the time

Okay... this is very serious.  I am so tired that the idea that ANYTHING at all, ever again, would cause me difficulty sleeping?  This must be the biggest red flag of all of the questions you asked me.

A New Love

I have never loved my body.  Over the years I have come to appreciate my body -- how I am healthy, strong, fit, able-bodied, etc... but no matter my size or shape, I have never loved my body.

Even in recent years, I have come to really understand and identify with the joke, 

"I'd love to be the weight I was when I thought I was fat." 

Even at my most fit, I have never looked in the mirror or tried on clothes and been satisfied with my size and shape... I have always wanted a flatter stomach, fitter legs -- all in all, a more slender shape.

Now, for the first time in my life, I have a new love for my body.  Now, I do not look in the mirror and love what I see -- especially with many postpartum changes still occurring, but for the first time in my life I love my body.

In the past two years, I have grown, nourished, carried, and birthed three children.  

My body has housed them safely... and for one pregnancy, it safely grew two at at time.

My body produced the breast milk nourishment for my first child for well over a year.

My body is now producing breast milk nourishment enough for both the twins.

My body not only carried all three children to a safe pregnancy gestation, but it spontaneously went into labor and allowed me to labor and birth all three children without pain medication.

Although I had a little pitocin to help begin my labor with Tracey Ann, my labor and birth of the twins was completely unmedicated.

My body was able to do its job and deliver both Tracey Ann, and twins, Howard and Caroline the way it was designed to do and without anesthesia.

My body has recovered beautifully and very quickly from childbirth with the twins.  My body did its job -- it grew the twins, labored and birthed the twins, now is producing milk for the twins... and yet it has bounced back to the physical endurance I had before pregnancy.

Physically, I do not look in the mirror and see a body that I love or think is beautiful and perfect... but for the first time in my life, I look in the mirror with great love and appreciation for what my body has been able to do.  My body has produced my dreams come true -- my children.  My body, as of now (thankfully), is working the way God designed the female body to work, and, for the first time, I look in the mirror and appreciate what I see -- beauty and love. 

I look in the mirror and do not love what I see -- my size and shape, but I look at my children and I fiercly love what I see, and my body was instrumental in their existance, and this I love.

Of Three

*** Disclaimer:  I am going to try to keep up with daily blog posts because it is just a part of my routine of how I end my day, and also, I want to document these fleeting precious first days with twins, but I cannot guarantee the quality or quantity of these posts. ***

In a few minutes, I went from a Mother Of One to a Mother Of Three.  That is a crazy jump to make in the span of a few minutes.

Although I was already a Mother Of Three because I had one toddler and two babies I was carrying in pregnancy... I only had one child to hold, feed, respond to when she's upset, dress in the morning, diaper, bathe, and more...

Suddenly, I have three.

Yesterday was a hard day because we thought we were going to be discharged from the hospital but the pediatrician was unhappy with Howard's weight loss and bilirubin level.  Yesterday was the first day I felt the weight of being a Mother Of Three.

I had one baby being set up in a bili light where I was told I could not hold him all day except for feedings.  I had another baby who was doing well, and I held all day instead because I couldn't hold my baby who wasn't doing well.  Much of my morning was spent standing at the bili light trying to soothe Howard while holding Caroline -- more for my benefit than hers.  Then, I had another baby (an older baby, but still my baby) at home in Rifle now going on four days of not having Mama and Daddy at home.  Mother Of Three took on a new meaning, and realistic weight in that moment.

Between postpartum hormones, lack of sleep, and on-going concerns about how each and all of my three children are doing, I have been a little emotional these days.

My dad did a great job of reminding me of how well a lot of things are going during these first days --

• Our twins really are doing well -- these issues we are monitoring with Howard are very normal and very treatable
• Our daughter is healthy and happy at home with Grammie and Papa and they are having a fun and doing well
•  Our twins are still in the hospital -- but it is a hospital 30 minutes from our home, NOT 200 miles away in Denver
• We have my parents here at home taking care of Tracey Ann, and ready to help with the twins as soon as we are sent home
• Chris and I are healthy and have each other and are incredibly grateful for each of our children

These first days of being a Mother Of Three has come with its challenges, but it has come with so many more blessings.

 

Can I Just Say...

Sometimes I get tired of pretending... sometimes I just want to call a spade a spade.

Can I just say... ever since Tracey Ann arrived, 13.5 months ago, I have been craving sugar like never before.  Apparently it is normal to crave sugar and fatty foods while nursing -- although experts seem to be split as to whether a mother craves sugar and fats due to nursing or do to sleep deprivation, but it is normal to have these cravings.

However, I had a sweet tooth BEFORE postpartum life.  I ALREADY struggled with sugar cravings, and can I just say, I am SOOOO tired of wanting sugar.

I am so tired of fighting the urge to eat sugar at every meal.

Yes, I admit it -- my body (and my mind) wants sugar at every meal.

Add to that the fact that excess sugar is added to so many processed American foods... Add to that, we are in the middle of March, which is always a hard month for me...
Add to that, I am six days away from Spring Break, and ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED...

I am craving sugar ALL. THE. TIME.

Hopefully I will have a follow-up post about how I am over-coming my desire for sugar... but for today, I just have to admit how difficult this is.

I Hate This Post

I really did not want to write this post, which is one reason I'm posting it on a Sunday because I think people keep up with blogs less on the weekends than week days.

Today, I am writing for some accountability in working out and weight loss.  Tracey Ann is seven weeks old and the first 25 pounds came off IMMEDIATELY -- like within two weeks of birth.  The second 20 pounds have been much more inclined to stick around than I would prefer.

I know it took nine months for my body to grow to its eventual size, and it will take more than six weeks for my original size to return... but I'm getting impatient.

All that to say, I have begun my postpartum workout routine, T25 from Beachbody.  Hubby gave me this routine for Christmas, at my request, because I was hoping it would become my post-baby fitness routine.  This workout routine is 25 minutes a day, 5 days a week for 10 weeks.

via

I think this is going to be a good fit for me because I can squeeze in a full 25 minute workout even with Tracey Ann.  Sometimes I do it when she's napping, and sometimes she sits in her little bouncy seat, and my jumping around makes the seat vibrate.  This is also a good plan for me because I am notorious for keeping a good workout routine Monday-Friday but totally slacking on the weekends.  With T25, I am allowed the weekends off!!  :-D

Also, I have 11 weeks left until school is out for the summer... and, 20 pounds of pregnancy weight still hanging around will make my summer tough -- both in not liking how I look, and not fitting back in my wardrobe.

So, one week down, nine to go.
Five workouts down, forty-five to go.
Two-and-a-half pounds down, seventeen-and-a-half pounds to go.

I will keep you posted.