Motherhood and Guilt

Motherhood is full of many many personal decisions, and I think every woman needs to take everything in her life, and her child's life into consideration and then make the best choice for her family. (period).

Having said that, I don't buy into some of these mother pride campaigns on facebook -- like there is no right way to feed a baby to support women who don't breastfeed, or Cesarean birth is birth too.  Why do these women need the approval of social media for their decisions as mothers?  Frankly, if they do not feel confident in the decisions they made on their own, maybe they didn't make the best choice for their family.  If they did make the best choice for their family, that's all the approval they should need.

Motherhood Decisions of Which I am Proud:

• I am proud that I breastfed Tracey Ann for over a year (fifteen months)
• I was very comfortable that Tracey Ann stopped breastfeeding when she did and I feel no guilt about her not nursing until 18- or 24 months
• I am proud that I did not have any anesthesia for Tracey Ann's labor and delivery
• I am proud that we use clothe diapers some times -- we don't use them exclusively, but we do use clothe diapers when we can
• I am proud that my daughter is happy and healthy

One reason I can confidently and fully admit how proud I am of those decisions I made as a mother is because every day I make decisions that I feel so guilt about as a mother -- and I'm not waging any facebook campaign to make myself feel better about them, I'm simply living with the guilt and trying to do better tomorrow.

Motherhood Decisions for Which I Regularly Feel Guilty:

• Our daughter has her pacifier in her mouth too often 
• The television is on in our home too often
• Our dog does not get as much exercise as he should
• Now that its getting cold I'm realizing that our daughter doesn't have any pants long enough reach down to her ankles -- she basically wears skirts with capris underneath until I can get to Once Upon a Child to buy her some longer pants
• Since I've had the added project of packing, moving, and unpacking, Tracey Ann has been allowed and encourage to watch way too many cartoons and spend time playing on the ipad
• The larger I grow and the more physically uncomfortable I become in my pregnancy, the shorter my temper in almost every situation
• We've been in our new home for two weeks and Tracey Ann's clothes still are not unpacked and in drawers in her room
• Tracey Ann eats way too much mac and cheese
• I'm working outside the home and Tracey Ann spends time with a nanny
• Tracey Ann is with baby-sitters one night a week when I'm teaching at the local college because Hubby, inevitably has work responsibilities those same nights I am teaching

The truth is, every mother, if she is a good mother, feels guilty about decisions she has made, or circumstances she cannot control.  I don't think the way to be a better mother is to find other mothers who feel guilty and form a group about how we shouldn't feel guilty.  I think the best a mother can do is make the best choices she can, every day and try her best to do better tomorrow.

Balancing The Guilt

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 I am finding that, as a mother, I do a lot of balancing my guilt.  Each day, its not really an aspect of if I feel guilty about something... it's about for what I will, inevitably, feel guilt.  The good news is, the guilt is a balancing act -- I usually feel good about another decision that led to feeling guilty about something else.

Some examples, off the top of my (I assure you, there are more) include:

• I feel good that I did my job well at work
• I feel guilty that I wasn't home during that time with my baby girl

• I feel good that I took a 3-mile walk with Lloyd and Tracey Ann
• I feel guilty that I didn't spend that time tidying up our house getting it ready for another week

• I feel good that I did 30-minute at-home work-out 4 days, thus far this week (I skied and walked the other days)
• I feel guilty that Tracey Ann watched 30-minutes of the Baby Channel 4 days, thus far this week while I did said work-outs

• I feel good that I was up and down and up and down with Tracey Ann all of Friday night and loved her through her really rough night, and didn't awaken Hubby because he had to be up extremely early on Saturday to run a Sports Tournament that his school was hosting (he's the Athletic Director)
• I feel guilty that when our neighbor knocked on our door at 2:30pm, I was in pajama pants because I sneaked an afternoon nap while Tracey Ann was napping 

• I feel good that Hubby and are are planning a few big date nights -- overnight date nights and we are prioritizing spending time together and looking forward to reconnecting with our marriage (and getting a little more sleep)
• I feel guilty that we are making arrangements to leave Tracey Ann with people other than family during those nights -- it just feels like, if I'm leaving her with anyone, it should be someone with whom she is building a relationship, and the over-night is as beneficial to her as it is for us

• I feel good that I am still breastfeeding
• I feel guilty that I am not able to diet and exercise to the extent I would if I were not still maintaining my milk supply

• I feel good that I made Tracey Ann a healthy breakfast, lunch, and dinner
• I feel guilty that Hubby had to fend for himself

• I feel good that Tracey Ann is copying everything we do and really trying to mimic more and more signs
• I feel guilty that she now thinks that the sign for "no" is patting her hand -- because when she's in the high chair, about to drop food on the floor, I pat her hand and tell her "no" -- and she mimics it

I think I realized that motherhood would including a lot of juggling... but I didn't count on the balancing act.  Everyday, some level of guilt is in balance.

Guilt

I do not want to write this blog post, but I want to remember where I am right now.  Sometimes time lessens the memories of tough situations... but I want to remember these tough feelings in the future.  I dream of a day, down the road, when I can relate to a younger woman feeling the same way, and this post will help me remember.

I hear a lot about "Mommy Guilt" but I, fortunately, have not really struggled with it while I'm at work.  Maybe its because Tracey Ann hasn't (yet) displayed separation anxiety while I'm gone.  I try to focus on work when I'm at work, and focus on Tracey Ann when I'm home.  I'm doing what I have to do for our family and we are blessed to have a loving, Christian nanny staying with her during the day.  I haven't suffered "Mommy Guilt".

That being said, I am drowning in "Wife Guilt".

On the days when I work (outside of the home), I am a horrible wife.  I only do what absolutely HAS to get done and nothing more.  Many days, I don't even get done what has to.  Dog gets fed, but not walked.  Clothes get worn, but not put away.  Baby gets fed, but adults don't.

I have seen blogs and articles about the mom who "stopped trying to do it all."  Really?  Well, what, may I ask, did you stop doing?  Maybe I can follow your advice.

Let's see...

Did you stop exercising?
Did you stop cooking?
Did you stop showering?
Did you stop doing laundry?
Did you stop feeding the animals?
Did you stop grocery shopping?
Did you stop doing the dishes?
Did you stop talking to your friends?
Did you stop having pillow talk with your husband?
Did you stop sleeping?
Did you stop blogging -- clearly not because I'm reading this on your blog?
Did you stop vacuuming -- just pretend the dog hair piling up is expensive carpet?
Did you stop eating?
...
Oh, maybe at work...
Did you stop going to important meetings?
Did you stop meeting deadlines?

... what exactly did you stop doing when you say you stopped trying to do it "all"?

I am full of anger because I am not the wife and homemaker I want to be.
I am angry because I, in dramatic and emotional moments, see the downfall of the American family, in my own home, because I cannot give my family my full and undivided attention.
I am angry that formula and breast pumps exist because it gives me the option to work away from my baby -- this wasn't an option 150 years ago.

I am ashamed of the piles and piles of clean laundry that doesn't get put away.
I lay awake telling myself it is important that I sleep because I have to work the next day, but I am so disgusted at the fact I walk past empty boxes every day and can't manage to break them down and put them in the recycling pile.
I tell myself how important it is that I spend time with my husband, like on a date (and at-home date, but still), focusing on each other and I never sit still long enough for us to have a conversation, let alone reconnect or have a date.

I feel like I am being pulled in 90 different directions and I am failing at everything -- except work.

My family, which I say is my top priority, gets the last bit of energy I have each day, while my colleagues get the nice me.

Someday, I hope to sit down with a young mother and share with her my wisdom.  I hope to have a great testimony of God's faithfulness -- how He taught me joy amidst a difficult season; how I learned to seek Him for my priorities, and work as though working for Christ...

But today, I am drowning in wife guilt.