End of The Year

 

My Heart as a Mother

Sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes to be a mother.  I know, it's a little late to wonder, as I've now been one for over a year.

But the longer I am a mother... the more I wonder if I'm cut out for the job.  I don't know if my heart can take being the heart of a mother.

When Tracey Ann was a newborn, we just focused on learning how to keep this precious baby, this life with which we had been entrusted, alive.  I have joked that her turning one year old is such a celebration because we have kept her alive for an entire year -- and people laugh because, of course, it is said in jest... but it also said with a great deal of sincerity.  We are fully rejoicing that all of our mistakes as parents -- all of my mistakes as a mother, and I made many mistakes during that first year, were not fatal mistakes.  It is truly a miracle and blessing from God that our precious baby is one year old, and healthy and thriving.

Now that she is no longer a baby... I mean she is... but she's not, she's a toddler, I'm beginning to see more of the road ahead, and I look at the year behind us, and I wonder... can my heart withstand the joy and pride and discipline and training and growth and turmoils that lie ahead.

I have always cared what is going on in the world -- through wars and terrorists and political policies with which I disagreed -- but I knew the Lord was directing my steps, and my future was with Him in Heaven.  Now, I see the world differently.  Our world, our country, our military, our freedom has to last beyond my lifetime because I now have a child.  When I see horrible things on the news, now I do not just grieve and pray for the situation as I used to... I have within me a very deep smoldering fear about the world in which I have to raise my daughter.

The Bible tells us hundreds of time not to fear... but I really feel like there should be a mothers version, because I have more fears now than I ever knew existed.  I know some will pass... but others might be there forever.

I know I am called to put my faith in the One who loves Tracey Ann more than I do... which I can't even imagine, but God does.  And yet, when I think of the future, when I think of our world so full of evil, I am overwhelmed with emotion in my heart as a mother.

People said being a mother would change my life.  People said there is no love like it.  Some may have even said that it would change the way I see the world... but no body told me what it would mean for my heart to become the heart of a mother.

Just Fishin

I've had this song in my head for a few days and as we have a new little niece, it seems appropriate food for thought:

Touch

Of the five senses, Touch might be the one I think about least.  Sure, a back massage feels great, but I think I spend more time focused on beautiful things I see, fragrant things I smell, delicious things I taste, and melodious things I hear.

This month, however, as I am spending hours a day blindfolded and learning to travel with a white cane, I am finding myself more focused on Touch.

There is such comfort in Touch.

We hear all about comfort foods, people send beautiful and fragrant flowers when their friends are grieving, but really, the best option for comforting someone is to touch them.  Give them a hug, pat their shoulder, hold their hand -- all forms of touch.

I have noticed that I savor touch when Hubby and I are together on these weekends.  I LOVE reaching over in bed and touching him.  He may already be asleep, I'm not necessarily trying to rub his back or hold his hand... I just want to touch him.  I want to feel that he is there, right next to me.  I gain such comfort from feeling that he's next to me.

He and I hold hands ALL THE TIME!  We're kind of like teenagers when it comes to hand holding.  We hold hands in the car, when we're walking, at the supermarket, at church, at the movies, in bed, at dinner... we hold hands all the time.  In addition to seeing each other and hearing each other, we want to feel each other.

I don't think we're alone in feeling this separation... right now, as I am writing this, our pup, Lloyd is laying on my foot.  My leg is dangling off the bed, and my foot is touching the floor -- and that is where Lloyd decided to lay... on my foot.  I think he is cherishing my touch as much as I am loving his soft fur on my foot.

Dreams...

Are dreams necessary or unrealistic?

When I say "dreams", I am not referring to the subconscious thoughts that penetrate your sleep, I mean "A dream is a wish your heart makes" kind of dreams.  I mean the dreams like when a little girl dreams of growing up to be a princess, and when a little boy dreams of growing up to be a knight.

Adults have dreams, possibly a little more based-in-reality than becoming a princess or a knight, but some can still be pretty unrealistic given their current circumstances.  Are dreams a necessary and healthy part of life, or are they unrealistic hopes that need to be avoided?

Is is better to live in the real world and think you're prepared for what might come your way, or go after your dreams and risk not being prepared or equipped for the real world?

I don't know the answer.
I think many people's opinions would depend on the results.
The man who quit Harvard to develop facebook became a millionaire is considered a genius. (This scenario really happened)
The man who quit Harvard to develop an internet company that sold ice became one who is bankrupt and is considered a moron. (I made this scenario up)

Is it good to dream or is it better to stick to the status quo and be happy with the way things are?

A Year Away

I don't want to wish my life away AT ALL!

I have never been one of those people just waiting for my life to begin.  I was never thinking that "as soon as..."
"As soon as I go to college..."
"As soon as I'm done with college..."
"As soon as I get a job..."
"As soon as I get married..."
"As soon as we buy a house..."
"As soon as we have a baby..."

I have never thought about my life as the exciting part just around the corner.

My life is now.

When students think of their life "finally starting" when they leave home, they're mistaken.  If, Lord forbid, something happened to this kid before he left home, he still would have had a life.  His life doesn't BEGIN when he leaves home, his life enters a new chapter when he leaves home.  His live is going on NOW.

I have always TRIED to treasure the stage of life where I am... I emphasize tried because it has not always been easy.  Sometimes I needed to be creative in order to find things to be grateful about for my current stage of life, but I always knew, and, to this day, KNOW, My Life Is NOW.

That being said, I am not looking forward to this next year, which is so ironic because 13 is my lucky number... and this year is 2013.

I am returning to grad school this year and I will be accelerating the program so as to complete all the requirements in one calendar year.  That means that by next Christmas (2013), I REALLY REALLY HOPE and PLAN to be finished.

To be honest, I am not excited to earn this degree... I am excited to HAVE this degree and FINISH this degree.  I want to HAVE EARNED the degree, not about to begin earning this degree.  Which means, I wish it was 1 year from now -- and I really DO NOT want to feel this way.

The problem is, when I think of 2013, ALL I think about is the parts of this degree.
Winter/Spring 2013, I will be juggling my regular difficult work load and traveling AND completing an on-line class.
June 2013, I will be living in Greeley, Colorado (in all likelihood, away from my husband and animals) to take an on-campus class.
July 2013, I will spend 3 weeks doing practicum work somewhere in the country (hopefully the mid-west)
August 2013, I will spend 3 weeks doing practicum work somewhere in the country (hopefully in the mid-west)
Fall 2013, I will be tying all the loose ends of the degree, working at my regular job, and spending 3 more weeks doing practicum work, having to take time away from my job, and living away from my husband and animals.

The entire program leaves me with possibly, POSSIBLY two weeks of vacation in the entire 2013 year (this, from a teacher who REALLY looks forward to, and benefits from her 8 week summer break!).  Two weeks to try to see Chris' family and my family and two weeks to somewhat recover from the year and gather the strength to keep on going.

When I look ahead at 2013, I see exhaustion, logistical head-aches, deadlines, and yes, a light at the end of the tunnel... but the light at the end of the tunnel is the end of 2013.

The ONE thing I Am REALLY REALLY looking forward to in 2013 is...

Chris and I are going to be an Aunt and Uncle on his side of the family!!!!

Chris' little sister and brother-in-law, Becky and Daniel, are expecting a baby in July and this will be the FIRST grandchild on the Miller side of the family.  Everyone is SOOO excited and we are really close to Chris' siblings so it is going to be so much fun to have a new baby in the family... and watch them handle a first-baby... before we have to handle a first-baby.

 We had so much fun shopping for Becky and Daniel for Christmas.  We bought Becky the Cardinal fan maternity shirt in the picture above, and we bought Daniel baby fireman pajamas... because Daniel is a fire-fighter, and their baby will have to be appropriately appareled!

 So, there's the truth about when I think about the year... I am not excited -- except for the new family baby.  But when I think about my year, I am not excited.  I am a little overwhelmed and very tired... and I wish it was a year from now.

Many bloggers pray about "words" for the year and they hold to that word for direction and the way they feel God is teaching them that year.  My human word for 2013 is NO, or TIRED, or STUDY, or DO I HAVE TO?... the word I keep coming back to in prayer for 2013 is FAITH.

Faith that I am meant to earn this degree.
Faith that I can do what is asked of me.

But I don't have Faith that I will enjoy it.
I don't have Faith that there are fun times ahead in 2013.
I don't have Faith that any rest will exist in 2013.
I have Faith there is work ahead in 2013.

Thanks for listening.

When you look ahead at 2013, what do you see?