At My Desk...

Have you ever been so afraid you're frozen?

Even with that sentence, I know it's an inaccurate description.

Have you ever wanted to stay still for fear of what moving would do?

I am at work, sitting at my desk. The clock just ticked 6:00pm - I've been here 11 hours. I don't want to go home. I don't want to leave my desk.

When I am at my desk, I am problem-solving and dealing with learning, teaching, drama, management, positives and negatives in the preschool... my desk is an active place.

When I leave my desk, I think about the learning, teaching, drama, management, positives and negatives in the preschool...

I don't want to think about the issues, I want to deal with the issues. Weekends are frequently a harder time for me than the week because during the weekend I'm "supposed" to be relaxing. I'm supposed to be having a life. But I am thinking about the week ahead and how most of the big things coming at me, I cannot deal with until they arrive. Yes, I can prepare, but mostly, I just have to wait until they arrive.

Tomorrow is going to be a big day. On paper it will not be - a meeting with a parent and scheduling a meeting with a staff member. But off paper - because of which parent, because of personal issues I bring to the table in this situation - it's a big meeting. Because of which staff member...

And, the janitor just called me out in the classroom to please, please beg me to keep one classroom floor cleaner. She says in Spanglish, there is always food on the floor of this one classroom. She has to mop every day. My staff is not going to be happy to hear that they are not keeping the cleanliness of the room up-to-snuff; and I'm not going to be happy to tell them about it.

I don't want to move. When I'm here, I'm handling things. When I'm home, I'm stressed that I am not handling things. When I'm home, I have time for my thoughts and body to catch up and realize how exhausted I actually am.

I would rather sit at my desk and not acknowledge those things.

P.S. The picture that was taken was taken last Spring on Field Day, which should explain my relaxed outfit. I usually dress much more professionally. Also, I usually smile and look at the camera when I'm aware a picture is being taken.