Balancing The Guilt

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 I am finding that, as a mother, I do a lot of balancing my guilt.  Each day, its not really an aspect of if I feel guilty about something... it's about for what I will, inevitably, feel guilt.  The good news is, the guilt is a balancing act -- I usually feel good about another decision that led to feeling guilty about something else.

Some examples, off the top of my (I assure you, there are more) include:

• I feel good that I did my job well at work
• I feel guilty that I wasn't home during that time with my baby girl

• I feel good that I took a 3-mile walk with Lloyd and Tracey Ann
• I feel guilty that I didn't spend that time tidying up our house getting it ready for another week

• I feel good that I did 30-minute at-home work-out 4 days, thus far this week (I skied and walked the other days)
• I feel guilty that Tracey Ann watched 30-minutes of the Baby Channel 4 days, thus far this week while I did said work-outs

• I feel good that I was up and down and up and down with Tracey Ann all of Friday night and loved her through her really rough night, and didn't awaken Hubby because he had to be up extremely early on Saturday to run a Sports Tournament that his school was hosting (he's the Athletic Director)
• I feel guilty that when our neighbor knocked on our door at 2:30pm, I was in pajama pants because I sneaked an afternoon nap while Tracey Ann was napping 

• I feel good that Hubby and are are planning a few big date nights -- overnight date nights and we are prioritizing spending time together and looking forward to reconnecting with our marriage (and getting a little more sleep)
• I feel guilty that we are making arrangements to leave Tracey Ann with people other than family during those nights -- it just feels like, if I'm leaving her with anyone, it should be someone with whom she is building a relationship, and the over-night is as beneficial to her as it is for us

• I feel good that I am still breastfeeding
• I feel guilty that I am not able to diet and exercise to the extent I would if I were not still maintaining my milk supply

• I feel good that I made Tracey Ann a healthy breakfast, lunch, and dinner
• I feel guilty that Hubby had to fend for himself

• I feel good that Tracey Ann is copying everything we do and really trying to mimic more and more signs
• I feel guilty that she now thinks that the sign for "no" is patting her hand -- because when she's in the high chair, about to drop food on the floor, I pat her hand and tell her "no" -- and she mimics it

I think I realized that motherhood would including a lot of juggling... but I didn't count on the balancing act.  Everyday, some level of guilt is in balance.

1000 Words

1000 Words

Bath Time Fun

Bath time is so much fun these days -- well, everything is so much fun these days.

We have this beautiful, curious, adorable, little toddler who does new and fun things every day.

Bath time is just one example of the fun we have:

Flashback: Rome Update 6

Flashback: Rome Update 6

October 4, 2004

Hey Y'all -
Well, this week seemed to have a musical theme as I attended three music concerts.  The first was last Wednesday and was required for my Italian class.  Our professor canceled one of our classes and said she would rather we take an 'Itallian outing' and attend this concert.  (I'm not sure what she thinks this whole study abroad experience is, but I
would call the whole thing an 'Itallian outing' but whatever...)  We had seats right behind the orchestra and it was a lot of fun.  The performance was a part of a Mozart festival and the musicians were wonderful.
Then on Friday I went to the church where I originally saw LA TRAVIATA and went to another performance the organization was doing, a collection of operatic arias.  I think the performance was better than LA TRAVIATA and I really enjoyed the selection.  Then, on the way home, I stopped by an Irish Pub that shows American sports, and they were televising a CUBS game.  So it was nice to be able to see some of that (although I wish the CUBS could have won).
On Sunday I wanted to attend church at a place my John Cabot Student handbook said was a Baptist Church, English speaking, and services began at 10:30.  I arrived at 10:00 because I didn't know how long it would take me to get there, and they were in the middle of a service, it was a Catholic service and it was NOT in English.  So, I think I will have to inform student services that their church list needs to be updated.
After church I walked over to the Vatican district to scope out my parent's hotel (as they are coming to visit in two weeks and their hotel is in the Vatican area) and when I got to Piazza San Pietro, I heard a beautiful choir singing.  I went through the little international
boundary line to get a closer look, and it turned out that the Pope was conducting a church service out in the square and the choir I heard was the church choir of the Pope.  Needless to say, I stuck around for a little while.  The whole scene was just beautiful.  There was a large stage area and flowers all over, and a lot of people, but they had big
screen monitors showing the Pope and he was in his regal garments.  I have heard people say how sick he is, but I didn't really know much about it.  I can now honestly say he LOOKS sick -- please keep him in your prayers because during the times he wasn't speaking, he just had this look on his face that I didn't know if he usually looked that way, or if he was having a heart attack.
** Editor's Note: I later found out that the ceremony I accidentally found was the ceremony anointing the beatification of several Priests

Sunday night, I returned to the church where all the music performances have been (St. Pauls within the Walls) and attended another concert, this one not opera-oriented.  They played the Vivaldi GLORIA and Handels work for Organ and Orchestra among other pieces.  It was very enjoyable and I picked up the schedule of future performances.  Then, on the way home, I was walking through Piazza Venezia (kind of the busy center of
Rome) and I saw a man and woman trying to hail a Taxi.  Well, here in Rome, you can't hail a cab like you can in New York.  You have to find a 'Taxi Stand' which is kind of like a bus stop.  They are orange signs various places on the side walk and taxis line up there and won't stop if you're trying to flag them.  So I stopped and explained that to this
couple (who, as it turned out were from Pittsburgh).  They were really nice and very appreciative and it felt so good to be able to help them. It made me feel more like a native and less like a tourist and I walked on air the rest of the way home.  :)

I have my first Italian quiz today so I've been studying for that, and I get my first paper for the lit class assigned today, so I guess school will start to get serious this week.  I suppose that was bound to happen at some point.

Hope all is well where you are.  I'm trying to keep up with some American updates... the important ones, like the fact that Michigan won again (4-1).  Hope W&L's homecoming went well.

I keep you in my prayers and send my love!

- B

Sustaining Friendships

When I went off to college, I was a part of this amazing world where new friends fell from the rafters.  Between Bible studies, philanthropic events, musical ensembles, group projects, sorority life, and sorority recruitment, I made so many friends.  Each and every day, I was meeting someone for coffee or a walk or lunch to simply catch up.

I really figured that this would be the case for the rest of my life -- new, genuine friendships forming all the time.

I guess my alma mater, Washington and Lee University, was just really a special place, because forming friendships have been difficult for me ever since.

It has not become easier living in very small, rural Rifle, Colorado, and working a job where I have no daily colleagues.  Each year, I have the same students, but a new batch of teachers with whom I work.  I also cover 150 miles of terrain -- these are unique and difficult situations for building a network of girlfriends.

Since new friendships are hard, I am so incredibly blessed that my husband agrees with me in the priority we put on the old friendships we have.

We live in a day and age when it really is very easy to keep in touch with old friends.  With email, texts, facetime, facebook, photosharing, and more, it really is easy to keep up long-distance friendships.  Nevertheless, there is something so beautiful and magical about two long-distance, old friends being able to re-connect in person and just pick right up where they left off.

I recently had two friends travel and come within 400 miles of Rifle... Hubby and I did not hesitate to make sure one or both of us traveled the distance to reconnect with these dear, old friends.

My friend, Mary Carol (my sorority big big big sis) came to Denver for work, and was in town from San Francisco.  Tracey Ann and I took a long day driving to and from Denver just to meet her for dinner, but the trip was totally worth it.  This was my fifth time getting to see Mary Carol in the last twelve years.

Another friend, Catherine (my sorority little sis) came to Salt Lake City for work, and was in town from Mississippi.  That trip coincided with a weekend and so the whole crew, Hubby, Tracey Ann, Lexie and I traveled the 300+ miles to meet her for dinner (Lloyd had fun at the dog-sitter's house).  This was my fourth time to see her in the last ten years.

These are dear, dear friends and, really, life isn't going to bring them to tiny Rifle, CO very often -- maybe once a lifetime.  I am so lucky that I never had to convince Hubby if we should travel hundreds of miles to see my friends -- we just had to brainstorm how was the best way to do it.   He understands and supports my desire to make up the difference in travel when they are in the mountain timezone.

Friendships don't just magically last for a lifetime, and there is something about sitting across the table from an old friend for a few hours and just picking up right where you left off the last time you saw each other.  That effort of re-connecting in person is what sustains friendship across time and distance.

1000 Words

1000 Words

A Laugh About Vaccines

By now you all have realized how incredibly supportive and passionate I am about vaccinations.  While the pro-vaccination movement is still a very serious issue... this is not a serious post.

I hope this gives you the laugh it gave me:


Have a great Sunday.