I Wonder

I'm not sure if I have mentioned how much my sister, Tracey, loved Colorado, and specifically Vail.

She finished college in 1985 (I think...) and moved to Vail, Colorado where she worked a number of seasonal jobs for awhile.  She met her husband in Vail.  They had their first year or so of marriage in Vail, and then the moved to Minneapolis for his job.  She often talked about her desire to move back to the mountains but she was never able to do so in her life for a myriad of reasons.

Her ashes are scattered in Vail so her remains were returned to the place she loved so much.

We are often in Vail on June 8th, the day of my sister's death, but it is usually a very happy day filled with family activity, laughter, and joy.  I remember it as the day my sister died, but it is not a day consumed with the grief of the day she died.

To spend these days in Vail though, I do find myself wondering a few times of the "What ifs..."

"What ifs..." are not something I spend hardly any time thinking about in any aspect of my life because I see no point to them.

And yet, as I walked along the trails with my kiddos and called my daughter, "Trace" several times, I couldn't help but wonder what if my sister had lived, and what if she had returned to Vail, as she so wanted to do.  Instead of this little family getaway at the Go-Pro games each year where my family gets time alone, would it actually be special time with Aunt Tracey every year?  Would she meet us in Vail for all the activities every year and enjoy the games with her nieces and nephew?

The fact my daughter Tracey cannot walk past a dog at these Mountain Games without asking me if she can go pet the dog (and there are HUNDREDS of dogs here) -- what if my Tracey was able to spend time with her Aunt Tracey and Aunt Tracey's ZOO of animals.  How special would their relationship be in their mutual love of animals?  What if I were able to send my children to their aunt's house for an animal fix every time they wanted a new pet instead of what I tell them now, "We'll discuss it when we're done having babies."

I'm sure if my sister had been alive these past seventeen years her life would have influenced mine... my life might be completely different had she lived, but I cannot wonder about that.

I cannot wonder if she would have adopted a daughter, which she said she really wanted to do.  Would I have another niece?  Or nephew?  Or More?

I cannot wonder if she would have liked all of my children or been overwhelmed by my crew of children -- kind of like some people were overwhelmed by her zoo of animals.  I cannot wonder if certain weekends we would have swapped a few animals for a few kids just for a change of pace.

I cannot wonder if she would have liked my husband, or if she would have married again (her husband died of cancer four years before she died of cancer), or if our husbands would have gotten along.

I cannot wonder if the 21 year age difference between us would have seemed to lessen over the years or grow.

There are so many things I cannot wonder -- but this week, there have been a few things I have let myself wonder.

I love you, Trace.  It's been too long.