I Remember

This time of year I am overwhelmed with memories... and all of them bring me to a place of total gratitude for my amazing husband.

I remember so many holiday seasons when my heart was aching for my husband.  Not just any 'ole boyfriend to kiss me under the mistletoe, but my husband.  That man for whom God was preparing me who would become a part of my family and would be my partner, lover and friend for all time.

I remember watching sappy Christmas movies and bawling because I had not found that kind of love yet.  Now, I still cry in these movies -- but it is a few tears of joy instead of heaving sobs of sadness.

I remember the dread that accompanied past relationships.  That feeling that the other person was pulling away and I didn't know if it was over.  I didn't know if the relationship or the person was worth fighting for.  I watch the old Gilmore Girls episodes and Luke pulls away from Lorelei and she is full of dread just waiting for him to make up his mind.  I watch the old Grey's Anatomy episodes when Meredith pleads with Derek to "Pick me. Choose me. Love me." and I remember that dread.

I remember the determination of breaking up with someone because the relationship needed to end and having to stick to my guns despite plea after plea from the other person.  I remember having to put on a very strong, cold, firm exterior only to burst into tears as soon as the phone call ended.

I remember the holiday season when Chris proposed to me and how my life changed for ever with that simple question.  I remember wrapping my head around the fact that I was joining a new family and that Chris was joining my family.

Now, I can watch these character and remember that dread like it was yesterday... but there is a peace I have never known before in being married to my wonderful husband.  We don't agree on everything and we don't always speak to each other in the most loving tones -- but we are committed.  We are committed to each other and to our marriage.  I will never feel that dread again.

We know we will have to work at our marriage every year, every month, every week, every day... but when I imagined being married for all those years, I never imagined this peace that comes from completely trusting my husband and completely trusting our commitment to each other and our marriage.

I don't want to forget the dread, the sobs, the heart-breaks, the dreams of the past because they make me so very grateful for the amazing blessings of the present.

My heart is so overjoyed and overwhelmed with love for my wonderful, amazing, loving husband, and so overcome with gratitude to God for all these blessings.

Remembering the past helps me focus my heart all season on giving thanks -- Thanksgiving.