I know that purr.

I know that purr.

It's the purr I hear in the morning when Lexie jumps in my arms and then climbs up toward my shoulder so her paws rest on my shoulder and her head and nose are right next to my neck.

It's the purr when my alarm goes off and I crawl back into my bed in the morning for a quick snooze before I really have to get up. It's the purr when she curls up near my feet or behind my knees (if I'm on my side) or right beside my stomach.

It's the look in her eyes when she sits by the door in the mornings. I fly around the kitchen making coffee and packing my lunch but the look is in her eyes as she watches me.

It's in her MEOW when I get home in the evenings. As she sits in the windowsill at the same time every day, and then she sees me. Her world comes into focus. She stands up. She meows at the window. She begins pacing the windowsill and keeps meowing. When I finally walk through the door, she is like a magnet around my ankles until I pick her up and hear the same purr, which started my day.

The look in her eyes. The sound in her purr. The softness in her nuzzling. The sound in her meow. Complete contentment. Her world is complete because I am with her.

Contentment when I am there, but at the same time, a petition:
You are enough for me. I love you more than anything. Why won't you stay here with me? Why am I not enough for you?


I know that purr. I know that question.

I'm re-reading Captivating for the second time. The last time I read it was the summer of 2006... I guess over the course of three and a half years, some wounds contort or mutate or resurface.

I just finished the chapter that women are haunted by a question, an emptiness. The results of this fear and haunting are two types of women - the domineering woman and the desolate woman -- or more likely an awkward combination of both.

My perfect kitten purrs at me in the morning, and I'm on the verge of tears because I'm asking the same question of my Lord... about a human... an unknown human:

When will a man, THE man, my husband come into my life? When will he reveal himself to me? When will I, like my cat, start my day in the arms of one who loves me? When will he stay with me? When will I be enough for him? When will I be his priority on earth? While my cat's dreams are a reality and she wishes I were here more hours each day, when will my dreams be a reality... that I will wish for more hours with my love and not for the existence of him?

I am experiencing the fruit of my most recent romantic relationship. Fruit does not lie. The Bible says that fruit does not lie.

"By their fruit you will recognize them.
Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them." Matthew 7:16-20

From the fruit, I will know what to do. The fruit will reveal the way. The fruit does not lie.

I'm sorry for the ambiguity of this post - but I believe its pretty accurate. Ambiguity of the post; ambiguity of the life.

But God is good. God is so good.
And I hate that He only lets us live one day at a time.
But He is so good... and I can only live and learn one day at a time.

I know that purr... my heart is crying out but there are no words. There are sounds - and when I hear Lexie purr, I recognize the sound. I know that purr.